The Crates League
It's only Preseason...
Rumor has it that you needed a fix. A little something to get by. Mama's little helper if you will and if that's the case, then I'm your little drugstore corner hero. Here I am to present you with the news of a preseason game that was full of action and unlikely outcomes. Give me a few minutes of your time and I will tell you all about it. Sit back, get comfy and let the medicine take effect.
Lorch is the big winner of the Friday Night Crates gathering that took place at the Casa de Chrissy. Lorch kicked three wins and a second to claim the top spot. Lorch showed up at the Casa trying to woo the lady of the house with a box of macaroons. For those of you who don't know, macaroons are oversized, overpriced, stupidly colorful looking Oreo cookies or hamburgers. They come in an assortment of flavors trying to be cool like jellybeans. Enough about macaroons. Lorch was borderline flawless like a drunk who can walk a straight line or recite the alphabet in reverse. In a post-game interview car ride home, Lorch said he was out to send a message to the mafia leader and two-time champion Jimmy. He said..."It's just business, but he's taking it very personal and that is exactly how I wanted to make him feel".
Finishing in second for the evening is the hottest player this spring off-season and that is Kristy. When I say hot, I know what you are thinking. I know I've made it clear that she is so freaking hot, that I just turn into a blabbering puddle of goo with muscles. But seriously folks, Kristy has been in the top 3 for the 4th consecutive Friday fun day. Has Kristy become an elite player somehow or is everyone else just working out new ideas that are not working? Either way, the result is what people remember and Kristy is going to be much more confident about her own play as she enters season 5. Win or not, she'll still be the hottest player in the competition. Somebody please put in a good word for me. I just want to go out with her. Just one chance...PLEASE!
Always coming up short of winning the evening is Jason Saunders. Just imagine if Jason would win? Come on people, you know that you can imagine it. Think of that moment in your life where something happened and you were like I can't believe this happened. Maybe it was like the birth of child or going on a dream vacation with a special someone. Saunders winning the night will be traumatic event for all of us like those who survived the Titanic. It was thing that happened and people still remember that horrific night well over 100 years later. We will all be asking, how the hell did this happen? I mean statistically it's bound to happen right? Ahh, who am I kidding? I'll say chances are better that I score a date with Kristy, then all of us being on a boat that hits an iceberg.
Rounding out the top 4 was Vernon. Vernon took a pounding to the rear end that will be talked about for a while. Vernon was crushed with 8 shuffle pressures and 1648 points. That's probably a new PR for Vernon as far as points go, but if you subtracted those 1275 points from Vernon's score, he would have won that game. It only goes to prove that Vernon IS the one that strikes fear and everyone better all work together to take him down. Vernon was a stats monster though, just listen to this total line...3 Home Runs, 3 HTL's, 4 Socials and 15 Shuffle Pressures.
Chrissy just missed the top four because of Vernon's bonus points that kept him competitive for the evening. Chrissy needs to get back to her road warrior days. Playing in the confines of home have not been good for Chrissy. She is not meant to be domesticated. She was playing so much better when she was playing in other venues. A feral girl like Chrissy needs open spaces and fresh air. Domesticated Chrissy is being suffocated and the comforts of a plastic cup of whatever just aren't good for her game. Chrissy's career was lightning racing towards greatness, but lately that lightning has been bottled up. I'm starting a "Free Chrissy" petition. Who wants to see Chrissy playing free again? And if she wants, there can still be wine... and those rainbow-colored French cookies. You know, the fancy little desserts that look like someone turned a box of crayons into sandwiches.
Tommy. Oh Tommy. Tommy loves Crates. I mean he really loves the game, the camaraderie, the food and all the wonderful things that Crates nights give us. The results of the game itself say that Crates doesn't reciprocate that love to Tommy. Tommy chases that love like Forest Gump chasing Jenny. Crates is Tom's Jenny, but every time Tom thinks he's got a chance. Jenny runs off. The problem is that Tom is not rich. Girls love the money. Think about it. When did Jenny come home to Forest? When he was stinking rich! Tom, go get yourself a shrimping a boat and bring your Jenny home!
If this were only league night. On this night, the Godfather got absolutely lit up in broad daylight.
Jimmy has spent so much time winning that he started believing the myth—that he could simply show up, play his snarky style, and leave with a piece of the pie. He strutted into Casa de Chrissy (late) with all the confidence of a king and none of the awareness of a guy wearing a "Kick Me" sign. Then reality hit him...repeatedly. Because here's the truth: Jimmy isn't the mafia. Jimmy is the guy who benefits from the mafia. Without Melody, the brains of the operation, Jimmy looked like a lost little boy in the grocery store. Without Chris, the muscle of the operation, Jimmy had nobody to absorb the punishment. Usually, Chris is there taking bullets and drawing heat while Jimmy quietly slips away untouched. Tonight, every punch landed squarely on the Don's chin. Let's not forget about Bobby. Bobby insists he's not in the mafia, which is amazing considering his sneaky little plays somehow always seem to benefit Jimmy. However, with Bobby absent too, Jimmy had no mysterious guardian angel bailing him out. With no brains, no muscle, and no "totally not mafia" associates, Jimmy was exposed. As a result, we saw the real Jimmy. We didn't see a feared crime boss or a legendary champion. Instead, we got a grumpy old man spending the entire night complaining that everyone only goes after him and threatening to leave after each game. Of course they do, Jimmy. You're a two-time champion. That's the price of success. Stay in your lane. The "Everybody picks on me" gimmick is already taken.
Last but not least was CJ. CJ was hit with more counts than I can count. We started to refer to him as Count J. This wasn't an occasional inconvenience. This was a full-blown epidemic. Every time you looked up, another count was headed his way. If there were frequent flyer miles for getting counted, CJ would already have elite status. The truth is, CJ is borderline legendary in his own right, but even the all-time greats aren't immune to getting crushed by the count. Let's put it this way. If getting hit with a count is the equivalent of being bitten by a Lone Star Tick, then CJ isn't dealing with a little bug bite. My man is walking around with the giant red bullseye rash, reading the internet about alpha-gal syndrome, and wondering why every sirloin suddenly wants to kill him. Good luck with that, bro. Because for a guy whose diet revolves around protein, getting counted this much is basically the Crates equivalent of finding out you're allergic to red meat and dairy.
There's your spoonful of sugar folks. Just a little something to get you by until the real thing gets back underway. It has been my honor to write for you on this beautiful Sunday morning. I want to wish all of you a Happy Father's Day too. And seriously, even to you mom's out there who sometimes have to do both jobs. I will miss you all for the next two weekends as it's cruising time. Good luck filling the voids in your lives without me. Love ~ V.
